First a quick appreciation to some folks who recently upgraded to a paid subscription. Bob—thanks for helping make this thing happen.
Now, let’s get to it . . .
Kurt Vonnegut once wrote: the worst thing that could possibly happen to anybody would be to not be used for anything by anybody. Which is certainly better than the alternative . . . being useless.
Of course, Vonnegut’s idea lands somewhere between getting used in the worst sense and being completely useless. And there’s a lot of room on the spectrum between full-on people pleaser and total deadbeat. It seems the trick is finding that sweet spot in the middle, which leaves us with the question—how to get used, properly?
Do you remember that show Locked Up Abroad, where people got caught smuggling drugs across international borders, winding up in hellish prisons far from home? Wild stories. And useful here in addressing the first part of the equation of how to get used: who / what are you serving?
Accepting the role of drug mule is clearly a poor usage of your personal service. The justification almost always came down to money, and money is often reason enough to get used—it certainly pushes plenty of people off to their miserable jobs every morning—but along with money hopefully you’re also serving something greater. For instance, god.
I mainly bring god into this conversation because it epitomizes justification for all kinds of behavior. The benevolence of your Mother Teresas, the viciousness of your Westboro Baptist Churches. Justification is the most powerful force out there. You don’t have to believe in god to understand this. Like Bob Dylan said: it may be the devil, it may be the lord, but you gotta serve somebody. The least we can do is be honest about the why behind our actions, and who stands to benefit.
Because, regardless of the final recipient, we as individuals feel the joys and the pains of our choices first and foremost. Hopefully these decisions aren’t derived from coercion alone, resulting in at least some personal fulfillment and sense of purpose. After all, having agency in our personal affairs is the key to getting used properly.
As proof, I’ll offer two words: yes / no.
There’s a lot of talk these days about the power of saying yes—hell, I’ve written about it myself—but if yes enjoys current status as an unstoppable force, then no is the immovable object which ultimately keeps us grounded. So be careful with your yesses and nos.
If you don’t balance your yesses with healthy boundaries, you’ll definitely get used. But if you’re consistently saying no, then you’re relegating yourself to the sidelines of life. The magic happens when the nos block out the unwanted asks upon your time, holding space for your yesses to shine.
We get used to the extent we’re willing to let ourselves get used. Own this truth.
I think about it like this: saying yes to anything means saying no to something else, something we might actually prefer. When I’m scrolling through a bunch of entertaining bullshit on my phone, I’m not reading or writing or looking at the trees or spending time with people I care about. The choice isn’t always easy, but it’s still a choice. And when I feel guilty in my choosing, I know I’ve made the wrong one.
It’s worth repeating: we get used to the extent we’re willing to let ourselves get used. But in the end, if you’ve got your reasons behind you, your yesses and nos in order, then fuck it, get used and enjoy it. As Bill Withers once sung:
Yes, I want to spread the news
That if it feels this good getting used
Oh, you just keep on using me
Until you use me up.
Or just listen to the man sing it himself . . .
-Martin
For your consideration I might add "Hmmmm..." to the mix. Let me explain. A client comes to you with an 'off the wall' completely left field idea for something they want in their home. If you say "yes," you're committing yourself to something which is going to take way too much to produce, you don't want to do it - but you want to please them, and you know that if you produce it, you'll be the laughingstock of the community. If you say "no," you've pissed your client off, created a rift, and just erected an immovable wall from which there is no return. So, we trained them to say "Hmmm...interesting idea - can I have a few days to think about that?" You haven't said "yes" and you haven't said "no," but you've added a lot of air to the request which allows you time to figure out how to get out of their ridiculous request and gently move them to a really good idea that both you and the client can be proud of. Heck, in the meantime they probably will have forgotten their stupid idea in the first place! Try it, it really works!
Locked Up Abroad is a WILD show. I remember watching that with my wife last year. Absolutely nuts. I've never seen happiness defined this way--as a balance between saying yes and no. I like that a lot. Thanks Martin for writing this. I'm subscribing!